mynameissuicide

All I can say is thank fucking Jesus for my amazing weekend with Skut!



She is seriously the greatest medicine I have ever been given.





We had so much fun doing things we shouldn't be doing, and I got to meet some fucking incredible people!

Erin, Ryan, and Amanda.

Erin, and Amanda were the sweetest people ever, and Ryan was just hilarious! :DD



But shaaa, me and Skut got so BAKED we were literally rolling on the floor laughing in her kitchen.

We went over to Dirty's and Chris' shrooming as was ridiculous!



Just thinking about that weekend makes me miss her! But it's all good cause next weekend there's a lovely hippie fest we will be attending together, hopefully with Hammy, and some other hot chicks.


Plur! ^_^

That's right, just keep on forgetting me.
Maybe I'll be remembered one day...


FUCK THAT!


What is it about me? WHAT!?
Why am I always so ignored...
so utterly looked over.



I am filled with dread...
Every friendship bond I make, I fear so very much that they'll leave me.

And it is a fear that has been re-enforced over and over again.
I can't count how many turbulent friendships I battled in my younger years.
And now...my boys Matt, Daniel, and Justin all left me...
So what's to keep Ronnie, James, and Chris...




It can't be them.
It has to be me.



ME ME ME ME ME ME ME


ME!!



It's always me. There is just some part of me that isn't there.
I lack anything worth while.
There is NOTHING within me worth keeping.


And I suppose that is why I am thrown away, time, and time again...

My own solitude becoming my refuge, more, and more.
Being alone is the one thing I can count on...



I suppose I'll be on my way to anti-social in no time.
It probably won't be long before being by myself becomes all that I have.
It'll be the one place where I can't be forgotten.





I will live a life alone...



All...
alone.

Damn, where the fuck have I been?


Uh yeah, I'll catch up later. =]






Plur. ^_^

Depression and anxiety.

Not bi-polar.

But at least now I have the proper medication, and my God is it helping!

I find it so much easier to get up in the morning, and my emotions aren't running on such a chaotic track.

I'm getting better, and hopefully I will be amongst the norm, pretty soon.=]

I'm keeping my head up, and I'm keeping strong.



Any way, I had an amazing weekend with Skut!<3

She's just what I need sometimes.



And I know posting a bulletin about Elba having AIDS is wrong, but my God did it feel GOOD!

I could have said so much worse... But I did my damage, and now I feel content.

After what she put ME through, a little shit talking can be very therapeutic.



I LOVE EVERYONE!
Plur! ^_^

I may be wrong...


About everything...

About the people I miss...

About the people I want to return to me...

About the people I call my friends...

About my mother...

About my parent's relationship...

Even about my positive energy...



Where is it now?

Amongst my anxiety...

Amongst my mood swings...

Amongst my oh, so familiar sadness...



It truly can be disheartening when you don't even know the diagnosis of your own emotional turmoil.

I want a name, and the proper meds.

Its genuinely affecting my life.

My actions seem futile, I don't know if what I am feeling is me just being too sensative.

I don't know how to fight, or handle conflicting situations.

My inner self has become a whirlwind of mass chaos, and confusion.

Where are you positive energy?

Where are you? -_-



I just wish for a sense of normalcy.

[Disclaimer: Don't worry everyone I'm still happy as ever, just going through a soft spot. Plur!^_^]

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

Justin, Matt, and Daniel...

Even till this day, I still think about them.

No matter how many times I've told myself that I'm over them...

They still manage to creep into my thoughts, and weigh down my heart...



I know that they don't care about me, I know all the love they gave me was empty, I know I was nothing special them...

So why are they so fucking special to me?

God, I miss them so much....and it's really painful to think about them.

Even when they are random neuron pulses in my dreams; I still wake up and MISS them.



I suppose I just truly can't let anyone go...

And it's such a bummer. =[



I miss my boys, and I'm still waiting for the day that they come back to me.

The venom that coursed so thickly through my veins is now gone.

I've made my peace, and I've found a constant source of happiness...


It is called positive energy.

Things in life can't hurt you, defeat you, or anger you, if you don't LET them.

Yes, you will come across aspects and situations that will pain you; and I'm not saying don't feel it, by all means allow yourself to cry. But don't let it consume you, and haunt you.

Acknowledge that fact that you're hurting, but know that you're going to be okay. Don't let something so dismal phase you.



And now that my eyes have been opened to such a precious secret, I will never fall subject to depression ever again.

Because I am nothing but positive energy, and I am going to stay this way for quite some time.


I'M HAPPY, I'M HAPPY, I'M HAPPPPYYYYY! =D

And nothing can ever bring me down, because I won't LET it.


So come on life, give me what you got, because I am not afraid anymore.

I'm ready to live life to the fullest.


Plur! ^_^

I really am such an angry girl.

Night after night, I feel it scorching inside of me, eating away at my insides.

I have created such a strong hate for people.



But I don't want to hate, I don't want to feel this raging anger inside of me anymore.

I really just want to make my peace.

It takes too much out of me; feeling so angry and full of hate.



I need to suck this lethal venom out of my veins.

Because I'm tired of being poisoned.

Poisoned by blood boiling furry.


I have exhausted myself, and now I want nothing more but to cut all ties from people who fuel my fire.

Just leave me alone.=[ Don't hurt me.

I want everyone out. Except for a select few people.



Please everyone, just leave me alone, and let me heal. v.v



Plur.

I met a black guy named Doo-doo. XD

Now I have seen everything.



As the last of my summer days drizzle away, I'm really quite ready to start school again.

At least for my brain cells sake anyway. -_-

I'm ready to start working again, and start seeing my Tessikins like everyday.

Plus, seeing my boys over the weekend will be so much sweeter.

Cause I think we were all getting a little tired of each other...

And I miss after a hard week of school, just meeting up with them and blazing till all hours of the night.

Yeah, we had it made. I miss school.



Speaking of school, I really need to get back to my AP Physc summer assignment.


Plur!^_^

Family Values Tour was today. And guess who is NOT going...


You're correct, that would be me. =[

Oh well, instead I'm going to buy a handle a Captain Morgan, and get really piss ass drunk and forget my troubles.


Hopefully my boys, Ronnie, James, and Chris will join me, since they will not be attending the concert either.

I'm sure I'll have some story to tell after this...

Alexis is back.

And entirely sex-crazed. XD